Interview with Lily Revell. Cat. Breed - Bombay/ Holloway Stray. Age: 7 Birthday - 1st May. Star sign - Taurus
LILY: "Let me start by saying I consider this interview with Le Document to be a great honour. For Le Document."
Thank you.
"Quite."
What is your greatest pleasure?
"Do you take me for a fool? Revealing such information would weaken my power. I will not tell you. Unless you have…a brush? One of those rubber ones with the quite big prongs…no? Then I will not answer. And anyway, I can’t talk now - someone has left a carrier bag on the table. I must climb into it immediately."
Do you have hidden talents?
"I refer you to this story - Lily, Evil Cat Queen of Earth Planet and the Laughing Fridge. It’s the story of when I became hyper-intelligent through nanotechnology and, with my army of telepathically controlled zombie rodents, almost became the first ruler of the entire world. All quite satisfying, of course. But frankly, when you have a woolen owl stuffed with catnip and bipeds who feed you regularly, it’s not worth the aggravation." https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b0bkv1vr
What makes you cross?
"Excuse me? I am a charming and delightful creature at all times. Unless you choose to hoover. And worse than that, when He sneezes. He always seems to do it when I am on the verge of resolving the contradictions between Relativity and Quantum Theory. Every time, I’m about to do what Hawking never managed - reduce it all to a memorable formula, when this horrendous staccato barking woofs out of his gob. Bark bark bark. And then another. Like a - you know, one of those barkers we don’t call by name. I stare at him, give him the chance to apologise, which he does. Then, and only then, I swear at him and run off to hide in a box. Apart from that, I am placid and equitable. Oh, the other thing? His persistent habit of anthropomorphising me. I am a cat, not a four-legged human mutant. And to make the point I usually then go and drop a stinking turd in my litter tray. And leave it uncovered. Ha!"
Do you have a dark side?
"Oh, please! How could you even imagine such a thing. I mean, just look at me."
Who are your best friends?
"“Friends”? I think you must be confusing me with some weak, needy creature. Is that Salmon Dreamies you hold in your hand?...you lovely, wonderful person…let me sit in your lap and drool on you…"
Would your owners -
“Owners”?
OK - let’s say…er..
‘ servants’…
OK - would your servants be able to say you’d got their back, that you’d look out for them?
" Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Of course. Next question."
How do you feel about trips to the vet?
"Right, that’s it. Interview is over."
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